you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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