Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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