Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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