You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
