i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
