I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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