I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
