i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
