she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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