Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I want to have your abortion
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
