He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
