you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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