Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
