I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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