oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
