I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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