If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
