You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
wow bdsm is so cute
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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