I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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