you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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