So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
