Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize