It's like God shit irony all over that family
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
