The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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