Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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