i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize