I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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