Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
