she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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