I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
