My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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