Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
