I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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