She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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