I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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