apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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