she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
