Fine. I'll sleep in my office
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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