The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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