turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
