I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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