New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
