Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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