Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
