You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
