Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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