I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She told me I should be a condom model.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
