Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
