I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
