i jhust puked up my retainher.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
