theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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