You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
