Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
