We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
