i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
