You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
