I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
