I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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