i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize