It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
